It was on this day a year ago...
I was alone. Well, not really alone. In the midst of people looking for signatures. I had just come back from the dormitories, relieving myself. Suddenly, people were coming to me, asking for my signature. Eventually I figured out that it was a game of sorts. Well, the clue about me was... appropriate...
I was alone. In the dark, on the bed, willing myself to sleep. He was there, just opposite me. I was waiting for him to attack. He promised that he wouldn't do anything for these three days. I couldn't count on that. I could not sleep. There was still a light on, in the dark. Occasionally he would come and check up on everyone to see if they were asleep. The friends of mine who were still awake were just playing games, instead of whatever we were supposed to do in the days we spent here. Or, rather, what we were not supposed to do.
I tossed and turned, and I looked at my friend, asleep. I knew he would be there for me in case anything happened. I knew they were all there, beside me, just in case something did happen. The thought gave me peace... Eventually I fell to sleep, to wake up early the next day. It was really cold that early morning... I would have to wake up early, for we were going to sing in the morning Mass.
It was that day, a year ago tomorrow. The most important day to me. It was the day I felt the greatest love. The day I truly felt loved. The day I truly felt cared for. And yet, that was the saddest day also. I was.. brought to tears... And yet in the midst of that night, I did not even know why...
Why can't I let go? Why can't I move on? The past is important, but I must move on.
It is from the past that I draw my strength to continue this life... Yet now I feel I am trapped by it...
I should be happy. I am very fortunate... very fortunate to have friends more than one could ask for...
I have a friend who always understands me, and tries to console me. I feel as though I could share with him all my hopes and sufferings, my problems and anxieties... and he would give me hope. There was nothing to be ashamed of with him, for somehow, he always understood. I was always there for him, and he was always there for me. And sometimes I did hurt him, and betray his trust, but he managed to forgive me. Thank you...
I have a friend who was always kind to me, who always listened to me. He... always forgave me for the things I did to him. He... always forgot how I wronged him. I wish I could be like him. I want to learn how to forgive... It's forgetting the pain and hurt that is hard... He was many things to me... He taught me a lot of things... He was wise and kind, one of the kindest people I ever knew... but he was sad inside like me. I hope he finds happiness in the dreams he can pursue with wisdom like his.
I have friends who are there for me, who console me, either with serious advice or not-so-serious jokes, gags and assorted activities that actually helped... Sometimes, when need be, they correct me and tell me what I am doing wrong. I am thankful. I want to learn that, also. To look at a person, even your closest and most precious friend, and tell them what is wrong with them, to help them see that themselves.
I have friends and people who actually notice that I exist... Even a simple Hi or Hello from anyone brightens up my day, even from the people like my classmates whom I don't really know. For some reason, it makes me... happy. Even if it's just an attempt to get money from me...
I should be happy. Why? Why am I in this silent despair?
I am... trapped in the past. Trapped in the past that gave importance to my life. Trapped in the past that I cannot escape now. I had neglected in my duties, and now they pile up one after the other...
I need to fix myself. Somehow. Before it's too late...