It was on this day a year ago... The day I would never forget. The happiest day of my life. The saddest day of my life, at the same time...
I felt the greatest love. I felt so much loved... I was so happy, so lucky, so fortunate, so grateful to have such wonderful and kind and loving friends... I was in tears, in pain, in despair... But it did not matter, because they were there for me. He was there for me... They were all there...
I don't exactly remember it like yesterday... I woke up early, or rather, I was awakened by a classmate who managed to stay up all night... Had a morning walk with a friend, and it was cold... Sang songs in the mass with him, my best friend... and then... in the afternoon... he... came to me and let me embrace him. It gave me strength, because it was proof... Proof of our friendship... that no matter how much I annoyed him, or no matter how much he disliked being with me, he would still be there by my side. He would still be my friend... It was more than that though...
In the afternoon, there were confessions... I told the priest what I remembered I did, and after that... I just felt so relieved. Like a pain was taken from my heart... Like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. Finally, I had been forgiven... And I had forgiven myself, something I can never do easily.
I could never move on... My friends would forgive me, even for hurting them so badly at times.... They manage to forgive and forget. I could not... I could not forgive myself... for hurting the people that I love and care for... for hurting them again, even though they find it in their hearts to forgive me... I am undeserving of their love and care, and still they love and care for me... I am thankful... so very thankful...
It was later that night when it happened... I'm sure you all know what happened. The whole incident... After that... I ran away, fled the scene... I went to the chapel and was all alone. I was waiting for somebody... anybody to come... but no one did. I... felt like crying, but no tears came out... I decided to come back... He was there, outside, and quickly i evaded him... Everyone was inside, watching the movie. When it was done, it was time to read. For some reason, I cried... I cried my heart out... in a corner... trying to hide my tears from everyone... and I ran away again... this time, with Ate Tin and Father Mon... I was glad they were there for me as well... Eventually, I got my letters... I still have them with me. Everywhere I go, I bring them, the letters that people wrote me... I brought them with me when I went to Bangkok... and when I went to Montreal, also... they were always with me... They were all simple messages really... They just told me that they did care for me. That they were there for me. Whatever happened...
Now, I am lost. Confused. In despair. Trapped in the past, in the things I have failed to do and pass on time. I always tried to run away... My trips to Bangkok and Montreal were attempts to escape... Eventually though my problems would come.
I have had troubles and problems with my friends. Recently, I am more sad... More prone to depression or aggression at any remark or comment I find insensitive or hurtful to me. I do have the right to be angry when I am wronged... but... I have gone too far. I have hurt my friends again... again with insensitive remarks and anger and frustration...
I've gone too far. I'm sorry. I know that you've already forgiven me and forgot the pain. Please help me forgive myself. Please help me have peace of mind... I'm sorry for always depending on you, but I need your help once more. Please... I'm sorry for forcing you to change. I'm sorry for demanding too much of you. I'm sorry. I know that you would do what's right... I'm sorry for getting mad at you all the time... I'm... sorry...
Sorry.