Posted by
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7:07 PM
First of all:
This post is addressed to someone. So, please, if you are not that person (which I suppose you would know full well), then please do not talk to me about it or say anything. You are welcome to browse my thoughts, for it is the internet, but please do understand the context in which this was made. I seriously mean that. I am going to use the word 'love', to refer to a guy, to my friend. So, do not be an immature person and do NOT get the wrong idea (I mean it.)
Now let me start.
I make this post today because I needed to express a lot of things to you. I cannot find myself the will to speak freely in front of you... I know you would listen, but your voice... it intimidates me... whatever i have made up my mind to say, I cannot speak of it when you are finally with me. I know that this might seem too public, but I do not... care. All I know is, I must express the things in my heart, to let the pain go.
You say that you cannot see what my efforts produce. I do not blame you for that, for my efforts are concerned with self-discipline and self-restraint. So, now, I show you what I do.
Every day, at morning, I try to be happy. I do not want my family to worry about me, yet sometimes I fail at that and release some of the tension in me on to them. But I consciously try not to do that.
When I get to school, you people are there. I try to smile, I put any expression on my face that is not a frown, just to make sure that nobody notices the pain I feel because of what transpires between us. And then classes would begin.
Soon enough I would meet Eda, one of my close friends. In the past, I would have told her immediately that I had a problem, that something happened between us again. That is a consequence of our friendship, actually - I trust her. Now, I do not. I try my best to be happy - or at least not sad or problematic - when I am with her. She has enough problems on her own, and unlike before, I would rather smile and pretend everything is ok, rather than have her be sorry for me and try to console me. Now, I would try to console her instead.
I smile, or at least try to, for I find it difficult to actually smile, when I am with my friends and classmates in Gluon. Instead of telling Cla I have a problem again, or walking out on Chuck and Dandy, my STR group mates because I am in pain, or taking it out on Broño, I try my best to be a functional member of Gluon. I command myself not to confide in anyone, I try my best to hide the pain I feel inside. I command myself, "nobody must know the pain I feel. I must be a good friend and person to them, even though I am in pain."
There is also Nicoli... What part does he play in this? He is, in a way, some sort of conscience to me. He is there to remind me to not obsess on you, and to remind me that you are not the only person in my world. When he asks me to accompany him, immediately thoughts flash in my mind of the time i could have spent talking to you about this. But I choose to accompany him, not only because I want to change myself, but because he is a friend to me, because I have no reason not to, and because I cannot just say no just because I want to talk to you. He is more to me than a device to make me behave... he is a friend to me as well...
Then it eventually comes that we would see each other again. I restrain myself from sticking to you. I admit that sometimes you do not see that happen, but at any rate, that is what I will do. I know that you feel irritated and, as you say it, saturated, and I do not force myself upon you anymore. I just try to be with you, try to have pleasant conversation with you. And if you have something to do, or, whatever it is, be it even an excuse to get away from me, I do not follow you anymore... All I can do is say goodbye, and wait for you to say the same... When you do, I feel that things are at peace between us, and I am content.
Please understand that I can't just not talk to you for a day, or a week, or a month, or forever. Instead of ignoring you altogether, I try to be fun. I try to make pleasant conversation. I try my best to rid myself of the habits that ruined our friendship. As I understand it, that is what I need to stop... not talking to you, but the things that I do that ruin the friendship we had. I am capable of distinguishing these, and restraining myself from doing so. Sometimes, I admit, I fail to do so, and I am sorry. But please do understand that I have always had good intentions in heart...
As I said earlier, I cannot blame you for being unable to see any form of change, for all of this takes place in my mind. I cannot just put a big sign post on my head and say on it that I am trying to change myself, for openly advertising that defeats the purpose of changing myself in the first place. I do not change myself only to find favor with you again, to be a better person worth more; I do this to fix our friendship, and to be a better friend to you and to my other friends.
I know that, in spite of all the efforts I have stated here, reality is very different. Whatever idealized picture I paint with my words, you would not believe, for you could not see. Sometimes I am in tears on my bed, fearing the fact that whatever we do, we cannot restore our friendship to the way it was before, unless if we were to somehow forget everything that ever happened between us. I know you see me whining about the pain I feel... I am sorry for that, but please, do not expect me to hold my feelings back and just bear them... I can do that, but when it comes to the time that I do need to express it to you, please do not be irritated. I know that when you have long talks with me, you hate it. You do it for me only because you are a friend to me. I thank you...
My words may seem empty, but I do understand. I do understand, somehow, the pain you feel when I am suffocating you. When I follow you everywhere, creep you out... I understand how worthless I am because of the things I did. Yet you tolerated me, and everything I did, believing in me that I was doing something to fix things. I know that I am worse and more pathetic than any of the people you've met... I know that, were you not caring for me at all, you would have left me a long time ago. I know the pain you feel... Yet, you do not understand mine. You act as though you do not care about the pains I keep whining about. Well, it is difficult for me, too. It is difficult to be happy, knowing full well that the person you love is miserable when with you; that the person you love prefers to not be with you; that whatever you do, things would never be back to the way they were once before. Please understand that.
My love for you before was confused... I was caught up in the whole feeling of being so happy, to have someone who cares for me in such a special way, that I ended up obsessed with you. But I am trying to change that. My love for you is pure now... deep and profound... Instead of pining for you and obsessing about you, I should be able to live when you are not there. It would be ok for me if I was unable to meet you or talk to you one day, for I know that you still love me, and that I still love you. It would be ok for me to part from you, to do things that are difficult because I cannot be with you, to be separated from you when it would be an otherwise happy time, because I know in my heart that we have true love for each other, as friends, and nothing more. Instead of wanting to spend time with you, I am content even if I do not get time to talk to you. Instead of being an obsession that consumes my everything, you are an inspiration to me, which makes me strive to do better in the things I do. You bring me closer to God, and you made me realize that I was worth something. I was broken... and you were the one who picked me up, and tried to fix me...
In spite of all of this, you said it yourself - you can live without this friendship. Well, as I said, I cannot. That is where our differences stem from... Yet, even though you can live without this friendship, you still are willing to hold on to it, and do what you can to fix it. Even though you could live without me, and all the stuff I do, still you decided to fix our friendship, and not discard it. Thank you... Thank you so much.
I hope that our solution works. I hope that, eventually, our friendship would be restored to what it was before. I have nothing to fear, or be sad about anymore, for I know that you are doing whatever it is you do, may it hurt me or not, because you want to fix this friendship... Thank you.
Oh. And sorry for making it so very long.
This post is addressed to someone. So, please, if you are not that person (which I suppose you would know full well), then please do not talk to me about it or say anything. You are welcome to browse my thoughts, for it is the internet, but please do understand the context in which this was made. I seriously mean that. I am going to use the word 'love', to refer to a guy, to my friend. So, do not be an immature person and do NOT get the wrong idea (I mean it.)
Now let me start.
I make this post today because I needed to express a lot of things to you. I cannot find myself the will to speak freely in front of you... I know you would listen, but your voice... it intimidates me... whatever i have made up my mind to say, I cannot speak of it when you are finally with me. I know that this might seem too public, but I do not... care. All I know is, I must express the things in my heart, to let the pain go.
You say that you cannot see what my efforts produce. I do not blame you for that, for my efforts are concerned with self-discipline and self-restraint. So, now, I show you what I do.
Every day, at morning, I try to be happy. I do not want my family to worry about me, yet sometimes I fail at that and release some of the tension in me on to them. But I consciously try not to do that.
When I get to school, you people are there. I try to smile, I put any expression on my face that is not a frown, just to make sure that nobody notices the pain I feel because of what transpires between us. And then classes would begin.
Soon enough I would meet Eda, one of my close friends. In the past, I would have told her immediately that I had a problem, that something happened between us again. That is a consequence of our friendship, actually - I trust her. Now, I do not. I try my best to be happy - or at least not sad or problematic - when I am with her. She has enough problems on her own, and unlike before, I would rather smile and pretend everything is ok, rather than have her be sorry for me and try to console me. Now, I would try to console her instead.
I smile, or at least try to, for I find it difficult to actually smile, when I am with my friends and classmates in Gluon. Instead of telling Cla I have a problem again, or walking out on Chuck and Dandy, my STR group mates because I am in pain, or taking it out on Broño, I try my best to be a functional member of Gluon. I command myself not to confide in anyone, I try my best to hide the pain I feel inside. I command myself, "nobody must know the pain I feel. I must be a good friend and person to them, even though I am in pain."
There is also Nicoli... What part does he play in this? He is, in a way, some sort of conscience to me. He is there to remind me to not obsess on you, and to remind me that you are not the only person in my world. When he asks me to accompany him, immediately thoughts flash in my mind of the time i could have spent talking to you about this. But I choose to accompany him, not only because I want to change myself, but because he is a friend to me, because I have no reason not to, and because I cannot just say no just because I want to talk to you. He is more to me than a device to make me behave... he is a friend to me as well...
Then it eventually comes that we would see each other again. I restrain myself from sticking to you. I admit that sometimes you do not see that happen, but at any rate, that is what I will do. I know that you feel irritated and, as you say it, saturated, and I do not force myself upon you anymore. I just try to be with you, try to have pleasant conversation with you. And if you have something to do, or, whatever it is, be it even an excuse to get away from me, I do not follow you anymore... All I can do is say goodbye, and wait for you to say the same... When you do, I feel that things are at peace between us, and I am content.
Please understand that I can't just not talk to you for a day, or a week, or a month, or forever. Instead of ignoring you altogether, I try to be fun. I try to make pleasant conversation. I try my best to rid myself of the habits that ruined our friendship. As I understand it, that is what I need to stop... not talking to you, but the things that I do that ruin the friendship we had. I am capable of distinguishing these, and restraining myself from doing so. Sometimes, I admit, I fail to do so, and I am sorry. But please do understand that I have always had good intentions in heart...
As I said earlier, I cannot blame you for being unable to see any form of change, for all of this takes place in my mind. I cannot just put a big sign post on my head and say on it that I am trying to change myself, for openly advertising that defeats the purpose of changing myself in the first place. I do not change myself only to find favor with you again, to be a better person worth more; I do this to fix our friendship, and to be a better friend to you and to my other friends.
I know that, in spite of all the efforts I have stated here, reality is very different. Whatever idealized picture I paint with my words, you would not believe, for you could not see. Sometimes I am in tears on my bed, fearing the fact that whatever we do, we cannot restore our friendship to the way it was before, unless if we were to somehow forget everything that ever happened between us. I know you see me whining about the pain I feel... I am sorry for that, but please, do not expect me to hold my feelings back and just bear them... I can do that, but when it comes to the time that I do need to express it to you, please do not be irritated. I know that when you have long talks with me, you hate it. You do it for me only because you are a friend to me. I thank you...
My words may seem empty, but I do understand. I do understand, somehow, the pain you feel when I am suffocating you. When I follow you everywhere, creep you out... I understand how worthless I am because of the things I did. Yet you tolerated me, and everything I did, believing in me that I was doing something to fix things. I know that I am worse and more pathetic than any of the people you've met... I know that, were you not caring for me at all, you would have left me a long time ago. I know the pain you feel... Yet, you do not understand mine. You act as though you do not care about the pains I keep whining about. Well, it is difficult for me, too. It is difficult to be happy, knowing full well that the person you love is miserable when with you; that the person you love prefers to not be with you; that whatever you do, things would never be back to the way they were once before. Please understand that.
My love for you before was confused... I was caught up in the whole feeling of being so happy, to have someone who cares for me in such a special way, that I ended up obsessed with you. But I am trying to change that. My love for you is pure now... deep and profound... Instead of pining for you and obsessing about you, I should be able to live when you are not there. It would be ok for me if I was unable to meet you or talk to you one day, for I know that you still love me, and that I still love you. It would be ok for me to part from you, to do things that are difficult because I cannot be with you, to be separated from you when it would be an otherwise happy time, because I know in my heart that we have true love for each other, as friends, and nothing more. Instead of wanting to spend time with you, I am content even if I do not get time to talk to you. Instead of being an obsession that consumes my everything, you are an inspiration to me, which makes me strive to do better in the things I do. You bring me closer to God, and you made me realize that I was worth something. I was broken... and you were the one who picked me up, and tried to fix me...
In spite of all of this, you said it yourself - you can live without this friendship. Well, as I said, I cannot. That is where our differences stem from... Yet, even though you can live without this friendship, you still are willing to hold on to it, and do what you can to fix it. Even though you could live without me, and all the stuff I do, still you decided to fix our friendship, and not discard it. Thank you... Thank you so much.
I hope that our solution works. I hope that, eventually, our friendship would be restored to what it was before. I have nothing to fear, or be sad about anymore, for I know that you are doing whatever it is you do, may it hurt me or not, because you want to fix this friendship... Thank you.
Oh. And sorry for making it so very long.
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